some dumb jokes

QWhat did the main course say at the war crimes trial?

AI was just following hors d'oeuvres!

I asked a girl out to the prom. The day of the prom, I go to a tailor to get a new suit - there was a long line. Next, I went to a limo service to rent a limo- there was an even longer line there. Next, I went to a flower shop to get the girl a batch of roses before picking her up - there was an even longer line there. I pick her up and we go to the prom, there is a line at the entrance. We go to the photo shoot to get a photo together, there is a line there too. We get hungry and decide to get food, there is a line there as well. We get thirsty, there is no punchline.

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Alternatively:

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "I have cancer."

Alternatively:

A horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" The horse says, "My alcoholism is killing my family."

QWhat kind of bee gives milk?

AA boobee!

QHow many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

ATwo.

QWhat do you call a monkey in a minefield?

AA Baboom!

QWhat smells like lox, looks like a box, and flies?

AA flying lox box!

QWhy do anteaters never get sick?

ABecause they're full of ant-y-bodies!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

QWhy did the Walrus go to the tupperware party?

AHe was looking for a good tight seal.

QWhat did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

AMake me one with everything.

QHow many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

AA fish!

QWhat do you call a fish with no eye?

AFsh!

QWhat do you call a deer with no eyes?
ANo eye deer.

QWhat do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
AStill no eye deer.

QWhat do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and no penis?
AStill no fucking eye deer.

An old man is in his doctor's office. The doctor says, "I have bad news. You have alzheimers and your have cancer." The old man says, "Well, at least I don't have cancer!"

QTwo ants are in the kitchen which one is the cowboy?

AThe one on the range.

QWhy didn't the frog jump?

ABecause he was unhoppy.

QWhat's brown and sticky?

AA stick.

QWhat's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

ADr. Dre.

QWhat do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

AA flat miner.

A termite walks into a bar. He asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

QWhat did the banana say to the vibrator?

A"What are you shaking for? She's gonna eat me!"

A man in a bar walks into the bathroom and sees a rat on a canoe floating on the toilet. Amazed, the man says, "How long have you been floating there?" With a bewildered look in his eye, the rat responds, "Many Moons!"

QWhat did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

ADam!

QWhat's the difference between a preacher and a woman in a bathtub?

AA preacher has hope in his soul!

A Skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.

QWhat is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

ABa-na-na-naaaaa!

Two snare drums and a high-hat fall off a cliff.

A man walk's into a psychiatrist's office screaming, "I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee!" The psychiatrist says, "Relax! You're two tents."

A pirate walks into a bar with a huge steering wheel attached to his groin. The Bartender asks, "What is that thing?" The pirate responds, "Arrr, I don't know, but it's driving me nuts!"

QWhy did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

ABecause he was out standing in his field.

QWhat did Satan say when he started to go bald?

AThere's going to be hell toupee!

Did you hear about the Nigerian goalkeeper at the last world cup? He was so upset by one of the refs calls that he offered to personally refund all of his fans who had travelled to watch him play. He requested that they just email him their bank account numbers and mother's maiden name so he could deposit the refunds.

A police officer was sitting in traffic when he saw a man drive by with 30 penguins in the back of his car. The police officer quickly pulled the man over and said, "What are you doing? You can't drive around with all these penguins. You have to take them to the zoo!" "Ok, ok," the man said.

The next day the police officer was sitting in traffic again when he saw the same man go by, still with 30 penguins in the back seat. He pulled him over and said, "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!" "I did," the man replied, "Today I'm taking them to the movies."

QWhat did the buffalo say to her departing child?

ABye, son!

QWhere do you find a Zebra?

A25 letters after the A, bra!

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to your house.

…

Knock knock.

Who's there?

The chicken.

QWhat do you call a cow with no legs?
AGround Beef.

QWhat do you call a cow with only two legs?
ALean Beef.

QWhat do you call a cow jumping over a barbwire fence?
AUdder Destruction.

Did you hear the one about the cross-eyed teacher who couldn’t control his pupils?

QWhy can't a bicycle stand up by itself?

AIt's too tired.

QWhat did one hat say to the other?

AYou stay here, I'll go on a head.

QWhat do you call a bear with no teeth?

AA Gummy Bear.

QWhy did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

AShe didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

QWhy did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?

AHe wanted to get a long little doggy.

A man walks into a bar with a salamander. The bar tender notices and asks, “What's its name?”, The man replies, “Tiny.” “Why'd you name him that?” the bar tender asked, to which the man replies “Because he's my newt”

QHow does Hitler tie his shoes?

AWith little Nazis.

QWhy did the tomato blush?

ABecause it saw the salad dressing!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

To.

To who?

To whom.

QWhat's red and invisible?

ANo tomatoes!

QHow do you get a tissue to dance?

AYou put a little boogie in it.

A book fell on my head yesterday. I guess I only have my shelf to blame.

There are two types of people in this world. Those who can extrapolote from incomplete information.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life." And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

QWhy do chicken coops have 2 doors?

ABecause if they had 4 doors they'd be chicken sedans.

QHow do you find Will Smith in the snow?

ABy searching for fresh prints.

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman storms to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She complains to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "Well then you should go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

QHow many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?

ATo get to the other side!

QWhat did Zero say to Eight?

ANice belt!

QWhat's organce and sounds like a parrot?

AA carrot.

QWhy was 6 afraid of 7?

ABecause 7 was a registered 6 offender.

QWhy did the frog die?

AHe Kermit suicide.

QWhat kind of cheese can you live in?

ACottage cheese!

QHow many members of a given ethnic group does it take to change a lightbulb?

AA finite number! One to to change the bulb, the rest to act in a manner stereotypically derogatory to their ethnicity!

QWhy do ghosts like riding up escalators?

AIt raises their spirits!